An Open Letter from the GOP to Working Class White Men

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Editor’s note: The following article is satire.

I’m a proud Democrat, but in the spirit of bipartisanship I have a message from the GOP for working class white men: “We’ll make women miserable enough to marry anyone. Even you.”

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Dear Working Class White Men,

We Republicans understand what you need, and we’re here to help.

For example, we know that as a potential mate, women find you about as attractive as a hairball on the bedroom rug. Oh, you’re probably not ugly and we’re sure you can still wear the jeans you wore in high school if you slip the waistband down a bit. Most of you are also nice enough to get first dates.

And then she finds out what you earn, and it’s “Well thanks for the evening, no I’ll pay for my own dinner, sure you can call, no I’m busy tomorrow, sorry.”

We know this because Phyllis Schlafly said so:

Another fact is the influence of hypergamy, which means that women typically choose a mate (husband or boyfriend) who earns more than she does. Men don’t have the same preference for a higher-earning mate.

While women prefer to HAVE a higher-earning partner, men generally prefer to BE the higher-earning partner in a relationship. This simple but profound difference between the sexes has powerful consequences for the so-called pay gap.

Suppose the pay gap between men and women were magically eliminated. If that happened, simple arithmetic suggests that half of women would be unable to find what they regard as a suitable mate.

Obviously, I’m not saying women won’t date or marry a lower-earning men, only that they probably prefer not to. If a higher-earning man is not available, many women are more likely not to marry at all.

We’ve been listening to her for decades, so we know she knows what women want. But it’s not just her. A couple of weeks ago the Heritage Foundation hosted a panel last month, and all three women agreed that women really just want to get married and have babies:

“It’s not cave woman thinking: women know because of the nature of their bodies, because they carry and raise children, that they need support and protection during that time. The happiest women find that protection,” Mona Charen, a syndicated columnist, told an audience at Heritage’s Washington offices at an event marking the end of Women’s History Month. “Millions of women have taken feminist advice and it’s led to unparalleled misery.”

Let’s face it, the days of manufacturing jobs that pay decent wages for ordinary guys with high school diplomas are over, and you’re being left behind. Women are more likely to attend and graduate from college, in part because job prospects are really bleak for women without college degrees. So they’re more willing to take college loans and they’re taking over professions like accounting and financial services, insurance agents and claims adjusters, medical science and management, veterinary medicine, human resources, business operations, budget analysis, psychology, advertising, and nursing and education.

Meanwhile you’re stocking shelves or slinging burgers for minimum wage or maybe a little more, if you can find a job. Obviously we can’t support raising the minimum wage and we don’t want you to organize a union to negotiate for higher pay, because freedom.

Still, you want to get married, and we want to help. That’s why we oppose paycheck fairness. That’s also why we want to cut funding for food stamps and Head Start and child care and the Pell Grants women use to get college degrees. We also want to shame women who want to end pregnancies, and let bosses decide if women’s insurance should cover birth control. In fact, we’re trying to roll back all the ways women have come to rely on Uncle Sugar instead of a husband.

We also opposed the Violence Against Women Act and we want to make it harder to get divorced, because if some woman says “I do” … you should be able to keep her.

So, working class white men, we Republicans really are on your side. We figure if we make women miserable enough, they’ll marry anyone. Even you.

You’re welcome.