Of Science and Alchemy: The GOP's Love of Precious Metals

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I am beginning to see some method to the madness. It would appear that while Republican electeds don’t know much about science—and frankly couldn’t be bothered to remotely engage science—they seem to have taken a mighty interest in metallurgy and alchemy. Republicans, it would appear, have fallen in love with metal(s).

Let’s track, generally, what Republicans have found worthy of chest-pounding, drum-beating advocacy over the past decade. They have consistently advocated for defense—planes, bombs, missiles, bombs, choppers, bombs, tanks, bombs, drones, missiles and bombs…you get the picture. The fact that the defense budget has continuously bloated under every Republican president pretty much cements this point. It’s gotten so bad, in 2012, even though respected, high-ranking members of the military were opposed to expansion, and openly stipulated they do not need more weaponry, GOP nominee Myth Romney still campaigned on the issue of more weapons for the already excessive armory.

Another example of their red hot love for all things metal would be their rabidity for erecting a pointless, useless border wall along our southern border. They pursued this money-pit project so heartily that journalist/author Peter Beinart of the New Republic called it “futile” and “perverse.” Over 1200 miles of 40-foot high metal plates have been erected, at certain points, topped off with either barbed wire or electrical wire. And the result: increased costs in maintenance and enforcement, but no actual decrease in the number of undocumented people coming into the country. Way to spend money judiciously, GOP.

What about their absolute craze for guns and bullets? Remember all those endless tirades and Facebook memes your conservative, Teabagger and Libertarian friends bombarded you with, from the night after the Sandy Hook shooting all the way up to the day of the vote on gun control legislation?

And when Senator Rand Paul stood in the chamber and filibustered the legislation for 13 hours, what did your friends from the other side of the aisle do? I’ll tell you what mine did. They hailed Paul as a hero, a modern-day savior for citizens who want military-grade weapons. I recall them exalting him as the only man in America who understood the Constitution, who was brave enough to stand up for our individual liberties.

So where are all these conservative, Teabagger and Libertarian friends now? Three days have gone by since Texas State Senator Wendy Davis pulled off her own stunning 11-hour filibuster of Texas’ absolutely asinine Senate Bill 5. Where are all of these supposed unbiased defenders of personal freedom and individual liberty?

I have not seen a single one. Apparently, the reason for their absolute silence is based on their love for metals. You know, they champion metals—guns and bullets need personhood and liberties because they’re made of metal. And certainly, abortion clinics need to go because they’re standing in the way of the glory of another metal—the hanger. Guns deserve a spot in our national trophy case and so do hangers. It’s been far too long since the hanger has had its rightful share of recognition. It’s been far too long since the clothes hanger has been put to its rightful use—aborting fetuses.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say these guys are disciples of a religion other than Evangelical Christianity. The religion? Alchemy. I think they believe if they just advocate enough for all of these shiny, pretty, metallic things (guns, bullets, hangers, border walls, bombs, missiles) eventually, there will be so much of it sitting around, they can finally make their attempt to change all of these metals into gold.

And speaking of gold, Texas Representative Jodie Laubenberg, who sponsored the senate bill, was absolutely golden. She took time during the floor debate to stick it to all of us tree-hugging, fact-loving liberals as she presented irrefutable proof of her astute grasp of science. In response to a question about whether or not she (Laubenberg) feels it’s fair to require a victim of rape to have to travel over 500 miles to San Antonio to get an abortion, Laubenberg whipped out her razor-sharp scientific knowledge gained from college where she double majored in underwater basket weaving and extreme sun tanning. Her unflinchingly empirical response: “if a woman is raped…we have hospital emergency rooms…we have funded what’s called rape kits that will help the woman, basically clean her out. And then hopefully that will alleviate that.”

But it’s not just the words she said. It’s also how she said it. Watch her swift, sharp and articulate response below.

People used to say eating paint chips would incapacitate you mentally and I’m starting to believe it. Laubenberg sounds like she’s been ingesting heavy metals since she was three years old and it’s certainly starting to show.

Well, these dense folks in the Texas legislature got a big surprise. Davis filibustered their bill to the end, and then with help from many engaged citizens packing the rotunda, killed the deranged legislation, and at the same time, exposed and shamed the Texas GOP.

Instead of insanely pushing for their metals, these guys should have done their homework. Their heavy metals were absolutely no match for State Senator Wendy Davis’ mettle.