Bill Maher: By Tuesday, Romney will be insisting he, ‘doesn’t want old white men telling him what he can’t do with his vagina.’

So before it all ends, let’s take a look back at the election that really began on January 21, 2010. That’s the day the Supreme Court voided all election laws, except money talks. And right wing billionaires came out of the woodwork, except for Sheldon Adelson who came out of the waxwork. Now they only had to find the right vessel to carry their water, and that process began in May of 2011 with the first of twenty Republican debates. Featuring a collection of fourth string freaks, creeps, and twistos that made an orgy at John Waters’ house look like The Avengers.

2012 may also be remembered as the election where one candidate was suspected of not being born in America, and the other was suspected of not being born on Earth. But when future historians ask, Mitt Romney? How did we get this shameless weathervane from the planet Kolab? The answer will be because the other choices were Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, the mom from Carrie, and the black guy from Ghostbusters.

But at the end of the day the tea party had spoken. They were against health care mandates, against Wall Street fatcats, and against establishment insiders, so they nominated Mitt Romney. Who tried to placate them at the Republican convention in Tampa with his vice presidential choice of Paul Ryan, an Ayn Rand enthusiast who bragged that he replaced the cheetah as the world’s fastest land animal. The convention was also notable for a speech by Clint Eastwood, who debated Medicare with a barstool. Clint was not the first choice for a celebrity speaker at the convention, but Honey Boo Boo refused to dumb it down.

A week later the Democrats had their convention, a much bigger success. At the end, liberals were filing out of the hall chanting four more years. Of course, it was for Bill Clinton, but still. And things looked even better for the Democrats in September when the infamous video came out of Mitt Romney calling 47% of Americans a bunch of mooching sponges. But if it hurt him it was soon forgotten when October 3, 2012, seventy million Americans watched President Obama boycott the first debate. And get caught off guard by Mitt’s pivot to the center.

In this and the subsequent debates, the Mitt of the primary season. The man who had promised teabaggers and bible thumpers that he could bag and thump with the best of them was replaced by a new Mitt Romney who suddenly liked regulation, and protecting women’s rights, and who was for taxing the rich, and offering foreign aid to the terrorists. Can you imagine if he had said those things during the primary debates? The crowd and the crazies on the stage would have devoured him. There would have been nothing left behind his podium but a clump of magic underwear and black hair dye.