Last updated on February 8th, 2013 at 04:16 pm
Michiganistan? Really? Remember what I said about Islamophobia here yesterday? Yeah..about that. It seems Michigan is about to become Michiganistan – the first Islamic state in America. Or that’s what they want you to believe. All that hysteria over Muslims in Dearborn has been put to good use by Christian bigots, who apparently won’t be satisfied until we can jump-start the Crusades, most likely with American Pope-to-be Rick Santorum leading the way. After all, he has already instructed us not to hate on the Crusades. Who better? But this story has more to do with prayer-nuts than with Santorum zaniness. We’re talking Cindy Jacobs/Rick Joyner action here – hardcore off the deep-end thinking (if it can be called that). Those sanity watch-dogs at Right Wing Watchare reporting these gems (get your aluminum Pope fish-hats out):
- The United States Reformation Prayer Network, an organization of “prophetic voices” using “strategic targeting coordinates for reformation prayer” founded by Cindy Jacobs, sent out a prayer alert for Michigan’s Tuesday primary which warned about the state’s Muslim community;
- Rick Joyner of the Oak Initiative previously warned that “there is actually an attempt to make Michigan our first Muslim state“;
- And in the prayer alert from Anita Christopher of the Heartland Apostolic Prayer Network and the West Michigan Prayer Center made the same claim today: “There seems to be an underlying agenda by Islam to have Michigan become the first Islamic state in America.”
As Right Wing Watch helpfully points out, “Michigan’s Muslim community represents approximately 3 percent of the state’s population.” Facts don’t matter though; never did, never will. All that matters is belief, which is why Rick Santorum doesn’t want you to go to college and discover that there are such things as facts (facts, as he realizes, really mess with belief). It is difficult to escape this conclusion: Cognitive dissonance seems to be to Republicans what red flags are to bulls. So here’s what dominionist Anita Christopher wants people to do:
Michigan has suffered great economic hardship for many years due to foreign competition and costs of doing business. We have historically historically [sic] been an anti-Semitic state, and hold one of the largest population of Muslims outside of the Middle East. There seems to be an underlying agenda by Islam to have Michigan become the first Islamic state in America. … • Declare that Godly men and women will be elected who carry a Biblical worldview and have moral integrity. • Declare that our elected leaders will stand with Israel. • Declare that our elected leaders will uphold traditional marriage and the sanctity of life. • Declare our elected leaders will preserve our God-given Constitution. • Cry out for the wind of awakening to come into this region. • Cry out for revelation for the Church to see Michigan’s issues with Kingdom mindsets. • Decree that Michigan will come into its Kingdom destiny. • Decree the government of Michigan will shift and begin to make covenant decrees over the people.
I could weep for the people of Michigan. It is not fair that this cup should have been passed to you, that you should be first afflicted with dictatorial emergency managers, have democracy suspended, and now this, an all-out assault not only on your sanity but the aesthetics of sound thinking and the fabric of reality itself. On the other hand, you could look at this as an opportunity to laugh until you pee in your pants. I’m kinda on the fence right now, almost weeping, almost pee-ing. There are strong arguments to be made for either response. I mean, f*ck, people thought H.P. Lovecraft wrote horror stories. How can the threat of Cthulhu and the “Great Old Ones” be crazier than the threat of Wolverine Islamization? I mean, let’s look at this rationally: on the one hand I have these ancient gods – Azathoth, Cthulhu, Ghatanothoa, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Nyarlathotep and Yig – cosmic horrors that make strong men wet their pants and their crazy cultists here on earth, and on the other, well…some crazy cultists who say a few thousand Muslims want to turn Michigan into Michiganistan. What to do? What to do? Pick your fantasy, I suppose. 
I’m kinda thinking Cthulhu and his buddies might be better for Michigan’s economy. And they’d certainly get rid of those emergency managers, though I suppose to Taliban might too. But Cthulhu… I mean, what’s not to like about “A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings”? I mean, would that make Cindy Joyner, Rick Jacobs and Anita Christopher wet their pants or what? Of course, it would all be blamed on Obama as some sort of liberal conspiracy to turn Michigan into the first Cthulhu state in America. But really, the idea is no more ludicrous than Michigan becoming the first Islamic state in America. And we can have so much more fun with Cthulhu. I mean sure, YHWH can do fires, but Cthulhu’s buddy Cthugha is an actual living conflagration! How great is that? And look, really…there is about as much chance of Michigan falling under Cthulhu’s sway as there is it falling under Allah’s, so really, we ought to call on the people of Michigan to stand up to Cthulhu’s threat, maybe even start up a petition.
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