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Chuck Norris to Make Gingrich Invincible – in World of Warcraft

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“Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris”

– A Chuck Norris joke

“I think grandiose thoughts”

– Newt Gingrich

Well, one thing is for sure, a President Gingrich would be ultimately powerful in World of Warcraft: he has won the endorsement of WoW champion, Chuck Norris. Few can deny it’s a marriage made in heaven: Chuck Norris can turn his fantasy powers to Newt Gingrich’s fantasy character strengths. Who isn’t celebrating? I’ve heard Albania has declared a national day of thanksgiving (more on that below).

See what I mean? Talk about being golden. If all those people on WoW live only thanks to Chuck Norris’ efforts, then what can possibly hold back a President Gingrich? Look out Iran! (okay, so some people aren’t celebrating).

Norris, writing an exclusive for World Net Daily (a perfect forum for him if there ever was one) had this to say:

Who is most committed to follow and lead by the U.S. Constitution?
Who has the greatest leadership ability to rally, unify and mobilize citizens across political and societal spectrums?
Who has the best working comprehension of America?
Who has the best ability to influence a volatile world away from its brink of destruction?
Who has clear and present moral fortitude?
Who can best beat President Barack Obama (in and outside of debates)?
Who has the best abilities to lead Washington politics and politicians?
Who has the best plan and leadership ability to restore America’s economy?
Who is the most fiscally prudent?
Who has demonstrated the highest regard for human life?

I’ll just pluck one of Norris’ nuts out of the fire here. Clear and present moral fortitude…Gingrich….really???? At least insisting that he believes this crap, Norris says:

For my wife, Gena, and I, we sincerely believe former Speaker Newt Gingrich is the answer to most of those questions and deserves our endorsement and vote.

Norris seems to be confused about the quality of the man he is endorsing. But I suppose if a Republican can prefer “history as it should have been” to actual history then he can see a man “as he should be” and not as he is. There is no other way to explain Norris’ next comment:

We agree with our friend and governor of the great state of Texas, Rick Perry, when he suspended his campaign and endorsed Gingrich, that Newt “has the heart of a conservative reformer.” We believe Newt’s experience, leadership, knowledge, wisdom, faith and even humility to learn from his failures (personal and public) can return America to her glory days. And he is the best man left on the battlefield who is able to outwit, outplay and outlast Obama and his campaign machine.

Sorry Chuck Norris. An endorsement by Rick Perry is about as persuasive as an endorsement by…you. And as for expressing any sense of humility, you’re kidding, right? Have you been watching and listening to Newt Gingrich? Where was the humility in South Carolina, or at any other point?

Norris says “I’m tired of watching our sovereignty being sold by foreign loans and loose borders” but he is apparently okay with selling our infrastructure to foreign companies, to selling the Grand Canyon to be raped by foreign mining concerns, to seeing our jobs shipped overseas along with billions of dollars of potential revenue being hidden by plutocrats and corporations from the IRS.

This is not the first silliness Chuck Norris has posted on World Net Daily. Wikipedia.org offers a look at his inaugural post there back in 2006. A hobby has grown up around Chuck Norris jokes and “satirical facts” about the star, including one that viewers of his WoW commercial will find familiar, that “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” In response to this, Norris wrote his first column for WND, saying:

“It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: it’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without Him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things — and so can you.”

Ironically enough, Islam teaches the same thing. And if people want to believe such things, that’s fine. As I argued here yesterday, belief is not fact, and science teaches us something very different. Evolution is real – it is observable in nature. Teaching anything else to our kids in school would be criminal. If you want Albania to colonize distant planets before the United States, by all means teach “God wills it!” in place of science.

You would think a guy armed with Bible-power would be a better judge of character. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that perhaps Norris is not the best guy to decide who lives and dies in World of Warcraft. Savvy?

You have only to look at Gingrich’s performance at the last debate to understand what he is about. He can excoriate Clinton for having one affair but have multiple affairs of his own, which must remain off-limits as a topic of conversation. It’s not Newt’s fault he drops trou at every opportunity but the media’s for talking about it. Yes, that’s morality for you. Dropping trou for God and country – how inspiring. I’m sure Jesus is deeply moved. I know I laughed, I cried. I felt a rainbow of emotions.

But hypocrisy is the least of Gingrich’s problems. And even Churck Norris’ vaunted power over the laws of physics can’t change the fact that Gingrich is no reformer. Norris’ WoW invincibility can’t protect Gingrich from himself, cannot make him into the person he claims to be despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You can’t be a reformer when all you promise is more of the same. But I suppose if John McCain can be a Maverick…

Yeah, good times. And fun was not had by all; by only the 1% in point of fact, excepting perhaps Chuck Norris in his own fantasy universe. But a world fashioned by wishful thinking is not what the office of President of the United States requires – or needs.

Stick to WoW Chuck. That’s where fantasies belong. Oh, and take your new pal Newt with you.

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Hrafnkell Haraldsson

Hrafnkell Haraldsson, a social liberal with leanings toward centrist politics has degrees in history and philosophy. His interests include, besides history and philosophy, human rights issues, freedom of choice, religion, and the precarious dichotomy of freedom of speech and intolerance. He brings a slightly different perspective to his writing, being that he is neither a follower of an Abrahamic faith nor an atheist but a polytheist, a modern-day Heathen who follows the customs and traditions of his Norse ancestors. He maintains his own blog, A Heathen's Day, which deals with Heathen and Pagan matters, and Mos Maiorum Foundation www.mosmaiorum.org, dedicated to ethnic religion. He has also contributed to NewsJunkiePost, GodsOwnParty and Pagan+Politics.

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